Breaking Habits That Destroy Love
by CarlaTara
As you probably know, much of our difficulty in keeping a relationship fresh comes from the fact that the left side of our brains, the part that is concerned with our survival, loves to create habits. This part of the brain is responsible for doing things for you that produce efficiency and comfort. Obviously it is not efficient to have to figure out over and over again which muscles to use, and in what sequence, to do simple things like walking, opening a door, making sounds, and even more complicated actions like flying a plane.
By creating habits, the left side of our brain lets us make a little ‘program’ that takes us through the most efficient set of actions without wasting time thinking through each one. We are really grateful for this ability, which ultimately makes our lives easier.
However, the problem is that this same part of our brain wants to take over and make the decisions about what’s best for you all the time, without consulting with the heart. The left side simply takes over the job of the right side of our brain without being in touch with the wisdom that is available to the right brain, and without considering factors like love, joy, and excitement.
If we don’t pay attention, the habit-creating actions of the left side, which can be so useful to us, can start to strangle us with efficiency and routine in the most important parts of our lives where we DON’T want to be on autopilot.
The right brain knows best how to deal with the matters of heart, our love with ourselves and with our beloved, as well as with our children and our friends, and all the people we trust. Knowledge and awareness together make up the foundation that allows you to see what is best for you in each moment.
Do you allow the left brain to deal with the matters of the heart using the same mechanistic approach for love as you use to open a door and climb the stairs? Why would you decide to do that? Well, truly, most of us don’t decide to that – we let it happen by default.
It’s not easy to catch the thoughts before they come into your brain. In order for you to tell the brain what to do, you have to be in touch with the you beyond ego, a place higher and deeper than your brain, the part of you that contains the brain. It’s almost like our left-side brains are set to have the stronger voice until you train yourself to hear (and listen to) the soft voice of your intuition.
At times you might have experienced the habit-creating brain reminding you of how good something felt before, and it wants you to repeat it. If you have experienced that, then you also know that it is impossible to create a copy of the pleasure that we might have experienced in the past. Trying to do that can actually ruin the experience instead, and you end up feeling frustrated or disappointed, and not even sure why. Habits slowly kill the freshness of love and the joy and exhilaration felt in the newness, even when it’s an activity that at first brought us pleasure and excitement.
Do you remember the first time you kissed?
How you may have felt the magical, magnetic pull toward each other, slowed your impulse to kiss by taking the time to smell the subtle aromas of your lover’s pheromones, taking the time to slowly touch the back of their neck and their hair, enjoying the enchanting facial expressions and the deep breaths that preceded your first kiss?
Has that kiss now become a short peck? How much is the core part of you longing for the deep connection of the first kiss?
Are you aware that by being present you could actually enjoy every kiss as if kissing your lover for the first time? And not just the kiss, your touch, the way you speak with each other, the small attentions you had for each other – all of them could be as exciting and fresh for you as at the beginning of your relationship.
How can we efficiently use that mechanical part of our brain when we work, and shift to the other heart-connected part of the brain when we enter our home, the place where we nurture love and connection? Most of us are taking the brain that is involved in efficient work home, and we don’t know how to shift to the heart brain.
The good news is that you can always create something new anytime you do something with love. The heart thrives on newness and finds always what’s new in the moment. That ability escapes our mechanical brain that is busy most of the time reminding us of what we need to do and to say, pressuring us to follow the prompting for survival that comes from a very limited way of thinking.
There is a higher consciousness that can be achieved with a simple, natural breath, which I call the Ocean Breath. This breath can take you immediately to the part of your brain that knows how to love and to give and receive pleasure that is new and real.
I teach this to my clients, and in my book, The Secrets of the Ocean Breath. If you are in New York City next weekend, I will be teaching the Ocean Breath in my beginner’s workshop at the Open Center (info and registration online here).
In the meantime, you can start paying attention yourself to where you are letting habits interfere with your love connection. Take the time to stop yourself and think – am I touching him the same way as last time? Would she like it if I kissed her harder or softer than usual? Even just doing the same action, but with REAL attention, not ‘going through the motions’ can actually bring spark back to routine.
Try it tonight, and let me know your results!
Why Men Don’t Care How Women Feel
by CarlaTara
A problem I hear very often from women in couples who feel they are not listened to or misunderstood or ignored is that their man doesn’t care how they feel, or doesn’t bother to listen to their feelings. But what women think they see in men’s behavior is not always a reflection of a man’s true thought or action. In spite of some women’s complaints that men don’t like feelings, my experience in working with thousands of men and women shows that what most men want IS a woman who feels deeply and expresses her feelings clearly without blame.
The ability to feel deeply and express those feelings clearly is actually the deepest reason a man falls in love with a woman. But it takes emotional maturity to distinguish surface display of emotions from real feelings. Women who grew up in a family that habitually expressed emotions with lots of drama are especially prone to confuse emotional display and drama (shouting, crying, pouting, raised voice, gestures) with feeling emotions deeply in their core.
Feelings are deep like the ocean, while emotional displays are like waves that move with the wind along the ocean’s surface. The wind that disturbs us is caused by recurring thoughts that drive up big waves of emotional outbursts that seem exaggerated to most men. So men may just close off instead, and so it seems that your man never ‘gets’ what you really want to express. And sometimes, those emotional outbursts actually have the effect of closing women off to their own feelings too – your energy is diverted from feeling your pain or anger deeply into distracting bursts of yelling or crying.
A mature women knows how to recognize the thoughts that started those exaggerated emotions, and takes time to go deeper to see what it is that she’s longing for from her partner. She takes time to calm her emotional waves and find the words to express what she really feels in the depths of her ocean.
Without feelings, lovemaking becomes a habitual way to build sexual energy up and then release it without experiencing orgasms that actually stir you up all the way to your core. Such deep-reaching orgasms have the power to deepen and enliven your love.
I suggest that you take time to connect with your deep feelings and find the clearest and shortest way to express them. Too many words can sound confusing and can diffuse the power of the feeling that creates connection between partners.
Please take a moment and consider:
Men
- Do you close off when she starts expressing her feelings?
- Do you gently remind her to take a moment to connect with her real feelings?
- Do you ask her if she has a request of you?
Women
- Are you afraid of expressing your feelingsin your relationship?
- Do you take a moment to calm yourself and find a short way to ask for what you want?
- Do you thank your man for having been open to listening to you?
These actions may seem very small and simple, but like many simple acts, they are immensely powerful and can be great agents of change in your relationship. Take time now to consider how you are reacting to your feelings, then the next time you confront a difficult emotional situation, do these simple changes. You will be amazed at the transformation in how you and your partner connect.
Are you experiencing pain or difficulty in your relationship or marriage? Are you frustrated that nothing has worked to improve?
Contact me today to schedule an appointment or phone conference at 917-513-2500
With almost 20 years of experience helping hundreds of couples rediscover the heat of their passion for one another, I can help you too.
VIDEO: Internet Pornography Threatens The Future of Our Young Men
by CarlaTara
I wanted to share with you this amazing video by Philip Zimbardo on the effect growing up with the internet is having on young boy’s developing their sexuality and how they interact socially. It’s short – less than 5 minutes – but some of the statistics and information he shares are shocking. We need to reassess how our young men and women are developing in a changed world, and take the time to help them negotiate these challenges!
Tantra can correct the damage created by porn. My work with young men of legal age gives me confirmation that men are really longing for intimacy as much as women do. However, there are painfully too few young men who take the time to tune in to notice how unfulfilled they are after porn-like s e x. Romance and slow sexual interaction are ‘boring’ to these young men only until they learn Tantra, and then they are amazed to discover how much better sex is with emotional connection.
The challenge for us as a community that believes in the ecstasy of sacred sex is how to bring this knowledge to more young men beyond the few who are natural seekers – to the ones who don’t even know what experience this focus on pornography is robbing from them.
I would love to read your suggesions on how we can reach them.
Going Deeper Into Love Through Sex
by CarlaTara
Many people think that they are too open minded to have any shame and guilt about their sex lives, but negative emotions have learned how to hide deep in the psyche because they clash with the intellectual part of the brain. Hidden shame and/or guilt about not being perfect are still sabotaging many relationships. I’m always amazed how it is possible for these to be hiding away in our subconscious, sometimes for many years.
Modern free thinkers seldom imagine the damage that these negative belief cause. They have probably read all the books that brilliantly explain how sex is a great energy that can actually help to have harmonious relationships and even lead to enlightenment. The problem is that, the wisdom we read in books still only engages us on an intellectual level, and doesn’t penetrate down to the level of belief.
Many of us have absorbed – usually early in life – unhealthy beliefs which sabotage deep love. Unless you had the perfect upbringing, you probably have taken in limiting beliefs around sex from people you grew up with. Very few parents understand the power and spirituality of sex and do not know how to talk about it in a free educational way. As children and teenagers we are confronted with the duality: sex feels good, and yet we are directly or indirectly taught that it is bad or shameful.
Guilt can also be passed from an adult who interacts sexually with a child or teenager inappropriately. The child absorbs the feeling that there is something wrong with sex. Instead, what is wrong is the inappropriate use of sex, or sexual approach at that age from that person. But the subconscious doesn’t distinguish, and it translates that sense of wrongness from one sexual situation into a general negative reaction to sexuality itself.
Both shame and guilt disconnect us from love and make a deeply satisfying relationship impossible. The good news is that the tantric approach brings up all possible negative repressed emotions into the open, where with the help of a skilled practitioner they can be transformed into the truth of the innocence and power of appropriate sex. To enjoy sex fully, you need to connect it to love, and love is the deepest emotion.
When sex and love are disconnected your deepest needs for nurturing and sexual merging remain unfulfilled – whether you are avoiding sex or are addicted to it. And you probably know that addictions, after a very short spike of pleasure, always leave you empty and bored.
When those limiting beliefs surface and are transformed into love they are actually presenting you with a gift. They enrich you by giving back to you all the energy that was being used to keep them suppressed, under the radar of the rational, intellectual mind.
It is reassuring to know that if you clear up all the negative connotations around sex that are kept in place in the subconscious, you can experience the depth of love. You can only go as deep as you are emotionally free. When the sabotaging emotions are transformed, your energy and the intensity of your pleasure increase exponentially, and so does love.
Are you searching for that true connection with your authentic self?
I can help.
Call me at 917-513-2500 or email carla@1tantra.com to talk about the next step in your path.
Video: The Benefits of Tantra
by CarlaTara
Are you ready to transform your sexual life into a source of deep satisfaction and expanded consciousness?
Call Carla today for a private session at 917-513-2500!
Finding Freedom in Tantra
by CarlaTara
As we celebrate the July 4th weekend, I want to share with you some thoughts on how important it is to appreciate and increase our independence inside of us as well.
The Founding Fathers of America fought to gain the outside freedoms – to live how they wanted without oppression and to make their own government. These are the basic foundations of the free society we live in today.
But to live a satisfying and fulfilling life, you must be free in your mind and body as well – and this is something no one else can do for us. When we do our Tantra practice, we are creating our own freedom in our sexuality and emotions.
If you come from a history of hurt or shame about your sexuality, the road to sexual independence can seem very hard. Just the negative effects of the attitude toward sexuality in our society can slow us down – using overhyped sex to sell everything on the one hand, and silencing connectedness and real sexual knowledge on the other.
I urge you to continue in your path – exploring your sexuality, moving deeper into connection with your beloved, feeling more and more. Your goal is the freedom to express and enjoy all of your divine sexual self. It is also independence worth fighting for.
Blessings to you,
Carla
Father’s Day – Celebration For Some And Sadness For Others!
by CarlaTara
Fatherhood brings a lot of responsibility and also great joy to the man who is committed to being a loving father who honestly cares for the welfare of his children.
A good father bonds with his children and helps them along the path of finding out who they are, their talents, and to becoming the best they can be.
We know no one is perfect. However, there is a lot of satisfaction in being a ‘good enough’ father.
A ‘good enough’ father finds time to spend with his children and nurtures his connection with his wife. Tantra recommends building a strong love bond between parents because the stronger the love connection of the parents, the more children will grow up having a model of a marriage that works. A strong connection and good communication with his mate makes him a better lover and a better father.
Men who come to me for relationship counseling and Tantra get to understand on a deep level that trust in life comes from good mothering, and self-esteem comes from good fathering. When you tell your child that it’s OK to make mistakes and kindly but strongly invite them to look at the consequences of their actions to learn from their mistakes, you have helped your child with his or her self-esteem.
When you go to see your kids’ games, you have helped them feel important enough for you to take that time for them.
Father’s Day is your special day to celebrate all that and more.
However, I am thinking also of those fathers who made their woman pregnant by mistake and were not able or willing to commit to fatherhood. I can only imagine how painful a day like Father’s Day can be to these biological “fathers” who might have succumbed to a moment of passion and caused a birth of a human being that would grow up without them. I’m imagining that on a certain level both the child and the father are longing for each other.
Tantric wisdom extends an invitation to those “fathers” to celebrate Father’s Day as well, by forgiving themselves for their ignorance, lack of consideration of the consequences of their action, or lack of courage to take responsibility for it.
By doing this, they start to father their own inner kid that I’m guessing might not have had great self-esteem when that happened.
Forgiveness builds self-esteem and transforms guilt into love.
I also feel for those fathers who had the misfortune to lose their children in war or through some accident or sickness.
Holidays like this serve to help them mourn for the loss and get deeper into self-love.
My love goes out to all of you, fathers!
Happy Father’s Day!
I originally published this in 2008, and have had many comments, so I decided to release it again.
Woman’s Primary Sexual Organ, the Yoni
by CarlaTara
The yoni seems to still hold some mystery both for men and for women. Often women come to me to help them understand their sexual organ so they can ask their men for what turns them on.
The yoni is a network of connected parts of a woman’s body: the external part which includes the vulva with the inner and outer lips (also called labia) and the clitoris, and the internal part of the vagina which holds several powerful orgasmic spots such as the G spot, the A spot and the X spot.
Strangely enough, even in this age of overflow of information, some women do not know that the clitoris, which can be thought of as a small lingam, can not ejaculate or urinate. These women were stunned to find out that the clitoris’ only function is to give them pleasure.
In fact, the clitoris contains over 8,000 nerve endings, and extends below the surface of the skin to several quite large hidden areas that also can to be engorged to bring a woman to the highest of ecstasy by a caring and knowledgeable lover. Tantric lovers know that when the clitoris, including her hidden areas is fully engorged, the g spot is ready to respond almost instantly to direct stimulation and longs for touch.
The urethra also has lots of nerve endings and can be stimulated orally, by hand and with the lingam painting around it in a dance that prepares the women for passionate love making.
The fancy term for doing oral on the women is cunnilingus. Most women love it as much as you men like “blowjobs” which in Tantra we call honoring the lingam. Some women can orgasm easier that way than through intercourse because most men do not know the sexual positions that give the most stimulation to the clitoris.
Women tell me that some men complain they do not like the smell or their lover’s yoni. Perhaps they might have been traumatized by a woman who had poor hygiene. Since cunnilingus is sometimes the only way a woman can achieve orgasm, it’s important that you find a way to give her an orgasm. Perhaps cunnilingus works for the man while she’s taking a shower. Fortunately for us, most men naturally love the musky smell of the hormones produced by women and are turned on by it.
In most women, the clitoris is covered by a small flap of skin called the hood. When a woman becomes sexually aroused, the clitoris swells and grows in size (sometimes 4 times her hidden size), and can poke out of the hood, thus becoming exposed just like a man’s lingam. However, it’s important for men and women both to understand that touching the clitoris can be painful when it is unhooded, because it is so sensitive with so many nerve endings there. Make sure you wet your fingers or use some lubricant, to avoid possible painful friction which might take her down from the high ecstatic places she might be. A skillful lover knows how to do cunnilingus and touch her at the same time.
A warning to men who like the woman to nibble their lingam when receiving oral. The clitoris is more sensitive than the lingam. Nibbling it can make it sore. While the lingam is often exposed to touch of fabric for example, a woman’s clitoris is covered by a hood that keeps it protected and hidden. It is not quite as desensitized as the lingam.
Tantra covers sexual education as well as how to connect sex with love and spirituality. Some of you may already know all this information. In this case, please share this post with others you imagine might need it.
I thank you for participating in Tantra, this evolutionary way to use your sexual energy to achieve harmony, integration, enjoyment and raise the vibrations of the planet.
Always appreciating all your comments,
Carla Tara
Do you want to take your lovemaking to new heights, making it the foundation of incredible love and connectedness?
Call 917-513-2500 or email me today to schedule a private session with me!
