Men are usually faster than women getting to places where they are tempted to ejaculate so I will concentrate on guiding men. If you are a woman who get sexually turned on faster than your man, this is for you, too.

For men, your woman’s breathing is the most essential guide that will tell you where your woman is in her process of getting turned. She will hopefully be using the Ocean Breath, a fluid natural breath. When her breathing becomes deep and she makes sounds of pleasure, you know she’s there with you. Until then, you need to match her breathing and feel where she is.

The breath is the most important telltale sign to guide you to her state of arousal. If she’s suspending her breath, that is she starts holding her breath –making her inhalation and exhalation irregular– that could mean her thinking is taking her away from the moment, away from the sensations that your touch is stimulating. It might be too much for her in that moment, but you don’t have to be a mind reader! Her breath will tell you where she is.

When her breath does not harmonize with your breath, then it is wise to invite her attention to the moment by saying something nice to her. For example: “Honey, you are so sexy! When you look at me you transfer all that beautiful energy into me … When you look at me I get so… turned on.”

Or if your wife is in her menopausal or post menopausal years and starts feeling low self-esteem, you might say to her: “Your skin is so soft and glowing right now. I love you so much I would not exchange you even for 2 eighteen year olds!”

Comments like this will definitely get her attention back whatever you do, whether you touch her, kiss her or perform oral loving on her. As the giver, keep consciously sending your love energy to her.
A touch without loving intention remains superficial, no matter how good it is. When you add your love to it, it can go directly into her heart.

As you know, it is when the woman feels loved that she can fully open up sexually. The key to her sexuality is her heart. You can also make loving commitments loudly. The 3 most important words in the dictionary of love are still: “I love you!” Tell her, ” You are the most important person in my life… “ and she will respond with her heart and her body.

Tantric sex is not about reaching the point of no return and ejaculating. It’s about going beyond the point of no return, and surfing the waves of pleasure together. Enjoy!

Photo by Kait Curran Palmer.

There are powerful Tantric techniques that will help you have several mind-blowing orgasms without ejaculating – they are called multiple body orgasms. Every time you control your instinct to ejaculate, your will move toward a higher, more powerful orgasm. You can have as many orgasms as you want during the time you have set aside for this most pleasurable and enlightening experience with your lover.

A good time to decide to ejaculate is when you know your lover is fully satisfied. Do not worry: she will give you unmistakable signs. Then you can decide to have the last body orgasm with a conscious ejaculation.

This kind of tantric orgasm -I call it the Tantric Big O – will definitely be your highest and your ejaculation will be stronger and longer.

Your experience will be so intense and profound that it will keep you smiling for days. An ejaculation that happens as a reaction of your body that just wants to release a sexual tension is a fleeting pleasure compared to this. Conscious lovemaking increases your physical, emotional and spiritual love.

Men who have mastered the Tantric Big ‘O’ tell me that they experience their highest orgasm with the added pleasure of being flooded by a deep well of love and adoration from their woman. She sees him as her hero. This is the desire of most men. It is ingrained into our psyche. Men want to be heroes. Why not becoming “Superman” in bed?

However, to become a “hero” you need to own also your “feminine” side, the side that Carl Jung called the ‘anima’. Making love is a dance between the masculine and the feminine (the yang and the yin) and you need to take turns between the two if you want to arrive at the highest pinnacle of tantric orgasm.

Going up a mountain that is steep you learn that it is best to go up by zigzagging from side to side, a little higher each cross, than to try to rush straight up. Your yang energy (masculine) wants to reach completion in a straight line, but the yin part of you (your feminine) desires to slow down and enjoy the process. It wants to luxuriate in the touch, to take in the beauty, to nurture.

This is what Tantra teaches. When your climb is very steep, you need to take rests. Tantra calls these rests ‘valley orgasms’. These will allow you to climb to the top of the Himalaya while enjoying the journey. On your way up, you will encounter many valleys. Resting in these valley-orgasm gives you the energy to continue up to the very top – the tantric orgasm, the mind-blowing Tantric Big O.

To obtain this kind of power of choice takes a clear, strong intention and a real commitment to practice. Practice is essential when you are learning. You know that to really become master at anything, it requires both know-how and practice. No matter how talented you are at any sports, if you do not practice – your game will just be ordinary. Yes, a coach is very important. A great coach can give you the right instructions and transmit enthusiasm to you, but you still have to practice to achieve mastery. If you are reading this. I know you are willing to train to be the best lover you can be.

In my sessions, I can transmit to you the tools that will take you there and give you a winning formula based on a most enjoyable ‘training’. You can experience yourself as a brave warrior, a man who can overcome the desire to release this enormous sexual force.

The most common sexual dysfunctions that men experience are: loss of desire, erectile dysfunctions, premature ejaculation and impotence. Some women experience: inhibited sexual desire, lack of orgasm, insufficient lubrification and painful intercourse. According to the Journal of the American Medical Association, in 2005 more than 105 million Americans reported struggling with chronic sexual dysfunctions and many of them were not aware that there is help available. Diabetes can be one of the causes of sexual dysfunctions. Also some prescription medications for depression can have a negative effect on sexual desire.

There are many causes: some of them are related to hormone production, to blocks to the flow of energy, to shallow anxious breathing and unhealthy diet, just to mention a few.

The hormonal production tends to diminish with age, and you could consult a good endocrinologist to check your hormonal production status. There is a lot of information available on the internet. It’s worth learning about it.

There are also products available that are natural, organic, that very safely stimulate the body to increase production of the body’s natural growth hormones.

What you eat and drink is also important. There are certain simple recommendations you might want to observe most of the time: eat your biggest meal between 12 and 2 PM; eat fish vegetables often; keep your stomach light at night; drink lots of water during the day. Drinking a little alcohol can help lower inhibitions, while drinking too much can inhibit sexuality.

Breathing shallowly and high in the chest is probably the most important single cause of lack of energy and anxiety during lovemaking. Through the years, we became habituated to breathe shallow breaths, often filling only the higher part of our chest where the lungs are narrow and smaller. The body brings the venous blood to the lungs to be purified and the largest veins are located on the bottom of the lungs. Venous blood contains carbon dioxide and other poisonous gases that need to be exchanged with oxygen and thus transformed into vital arterial blood that nourished and strengthens the body.

To be fully present and energetic lovers, we need to learn to breathe to facilitate this exchange as fully as possible. Tantra teaches different breaths for different purposes. Some of the most used techniques are to increase energy and to retain energy without going over the top.

However, many of the sexual dysfunctions are due to emotional issues, entrenchment into set habits, undelivered communications and resentments that could build a cold wall between couples and unconscious issues coming to the surface. A good Tantric Healer can help you look at those issues with increased energy and guide you to use this powerful Tantric tools to open up blocks and take care of unfinished issues that limit the joy of our lovemaking.

Lots of issues have been repressed and feeling rationalized instead of felt. When emotions are not expressed, blocks to the flow of energy form along the pathway where erotic energy would otherwise flow to the whole body. When blocks are present your vitality is lower and sex becomes more a “squeeze and burst” event, at best a letting go of tension instead of an exchange to deepen your love for each other.

Some men have trained themselves with techniques to “making her come” the fastest way possible so that they can “come” thus missing the opportunity for emotional connection and really fulfilling lovemaking. This way of having sex gives leaves you with a sense of immediate relief but robs you of the opportunity to use this powerful energy for deep heart connection and nurturing. Thus lovers are depriving themselves of deeper and longer pleasure that could enliven all the cells of the body. Making love could be the greatest way to “make love” grow and to live a longer, happier life.

Deep breathing helps bring emotions to the surface. “E-motion” means energy in motion. When emotions are felt sexual energy can reach higher levels riding higher and wider waives sending into ecstatic lovemaking that is really fulfilling. Sex without emotions leaves people tired, empty and sometimes sad. We instinctively know there is more to it.

Deep breathing is also a key to avoiding anxiety about performance. When your whole body tingles with aliveness and when you hear our lover breathe equally deeply, perhaps even making a sound on each exhalation, you are less prone to thinking about performance and more about riding the waves of pleasure a little longer.

Tantra offers the view that we are spiritual beings having a physical experience and as such we have infinite potential for expressing love. By adding the spiritual dimension into the lovemaking it elevates it to ecstasy and adds opens doors for infinite creativity.

As spiritual beings we have infinite potential available and therefore boredom is no longer a danger.

First, relax all your facial muscles. A tense face makes tense lips – you want your lips and mouth to be open and welcoming. So, close your eyes for a moment, breathe deeply into your belly, and let go.

Now, kiss your partner’s upper lip (Yang). Use both your lips to embrace their upper lip. Let your lips be open and full. Suck gently.

Now, kiss your partner’s lower lip (Yin). Fully enjoy all the sensations. Explore the rich softness of your lover’s lip.

Now, kiss your partner’s lips together. The full embrace. Feel how their excitement is building.  Do their lips quiver? Are they parted to invite you in?

A kiss is like the first movement of a lovemaking symphony.In every sigh and quiver of your partner’s lips, you can feel as you lift their desire, slowly, building to the first touch, the next touch. . . As you take your time to fully experience the kiss together, you are building even more sexual energy to bring forth in your lovemaking, or to hold at a high level of vibration to energize you in all the parts of your life.

Try each of the following modalities:

Gently touch your lips to your lover’s lips.

Exhale while kissing.

Inhale while kissing.

Gently bite your lover’s lips.

Kiss your lover’s mouth at an angle.

Explore your lover’s mouth with your tongue.

Caress your lover’s upper lip frenulum with your tongue. The frenulum is the small ridge at the middle of the lip on the inside. This can be a very sensitive spot for many people.

Twine your tongue all around your lover’s tongue.

Absorb the nectar from your lover’s mouth with a libation kiss. This is especially sweet when a man
practices it at the moment of the woman’s orgasm.

A variety of touches can express passion, devotion, and love.

The giver and the receiver both have their roles to play in this dance of love.

When they take turns giving and receiving, they each get a chance to lead the dance.

Guidelines for givers:

Focus on sending energy into your partner’s body, starting slowly at the invisible
aura, and gradually penetrating deeper.

Synchronize your breathing with your partner’s breathing, which can change often.

Touch your partner emotionally with your heart.

Avoid repetition by constantly changing your touching strokes’ speed, pressure and length.

Even if one touch feels especially good, move onto another area or stroke,
then come back to a favorite now and then.

Guidelines for receivers:

Relax. It’s your turn to just lie back and receive all the pleasure you can.

Focus your attention on your partner’s hands, wherever they are on your body.

Breathe slowly and deeply, depending on how your body reacts to the touches.

Enlarge your capacity to feel pleasure. You can learn to receive much more than ever before.

Give feedback to your partner, using either verbal or nonverbal communication.

As though she had heard my thought, she said, “I do enjoy spending time with myself; I usually read a book, dance by myself, or play my guitar. But today I’ve decided to do something to have others feel enjoyment about being alive.” 
“So I’ve decided to go to an old folks home to help the people there to feel some joy. Many old people have been parked at a home and seldom see their loved ones.”

What Marylyn said made me realize that when you are alone there is a tendency to interpret this as if you are not loved. Marylyn distinguished between being alone and being lonely. Alone can be a high state where you feel united with your higher self and with others spiritually; lonely is a state of feeling separate.

Marylyn went to the old folks home and showed the old folks a good connecting breathing exercise that she had learned in my Tantra class. They especially loved making a sexy sound on their exhalation. When she saw great aliveness coming back into these people, she started playing old songs which they could relate to. They loved them.

They started singing along, and feeling energized and connected with each other through the music that they shared. Soon their innate vitality came through clearly, sharing bright smiles to each other and to Marylyn.

Marylyn was beaming, her heart overflowing with joy for being able to be a catalyst for so much love. Her own enthusiasm for life and for music was beaming from every cell of her body.

Marylyn had a Tantric experience, as she put it. Her heart opened up very wide, and she felt energy spiraling up her spine similar to when she had sex with her lover. She realized that you don’t have to touch genitals to have a tantric experience. This realization was coming to her as a thank you from the Goddess in her for her dedication to sharing her love unconditionally.

Another friend called me later to tell me that her lover came to visit her from far away unexpectedly and sparks were flying. She asked me for advice on how to deal with so much energy. Of course, the advice I gave her is to take deeper breaths and connect with each with a slower approach to lovemaking. Take time to kiss slowly while looking into each other’s eyes. To enjoy each sensation of each touch or love expression as though your whole bodies are melting into each other.

How was your Valentine’s Day? If it was not what you wanted, know you have the choice to create one every day.

Our faces came together as though gently pulled by a magnet until our lips touched. His lips felt like velvet and I instinctively to feel wetted my lips to absorb more of his essence. Then he stopped and deepened his breath sucking in the flavor of my lips. Then he gently touched them with the tip of his tongue as if searching for an entrance. But he did not force his tongue into my mouth. He took time, looking into my eyes with burning passion that he was building up as he waited to savor my lips.

I was trembling with excitement and I started kissing his lower lips. That was the signal for his kiss to become more intense. I was ready. . . he took my upper lip into a wet embrace and sucked on it with different intensity for a long time. My whole body vibrated and I felt juices flowing.

We were not in a hurry to stick our tongues into each other’s mouth. Why rush? Our lips provided a wonderful entrance into each other’s souls. We opened our eyes together and the energy skyrocketed to the point that my mouth opened instinctively to receive his tongue deeply. It felt like intercourse. Without words, we continued the dance of the tongue for what seemed like an eternity. Our bodies became very hot . . . time stood still. Now I finally knew the power of a kiss . . . The tingling sensations were running through my body and rivers of energy were flowing up and down my spine.

Do you remember your first great kiss? Are you taking time to give and receive delicious kisses to savor the new person that you are? Do you like tuning in to the subtle differences that your kiss brings to you each day?

Now that I know Tantra I realize how important the kiss is in love making. The throat center (mouth and ears) has a direct connection with the sex center. When you kiss, you secrete hormones that turn you on sexually and your saliva becomes rich with these hormones. Drinking each other’s charged saliva is called the Libation kiss.

You might want to try it… It works no matter what age you are.

Francesca Gentille, host of “Sex, Tantra, and Kama Sutra,” interviews Carla about Tantra as a healing process, and a rejuvenation and relationship tool.

Learn how Tantra moves beyond psychotherapy to develop the emotional-physical bond and rejuvenates the body and mind. Carla explains how to work with a Tantrika, convenient rituals you can do at home to establish deep connection with your lover, and how to use Tantric communication to open your heart to more connected and authentic sex.

Listen to the podcast >>

Read the interview transcript >>

Staying aware when you are very turned on physically is challenging, but incredibly rewarding. When you learn to stay aware of all that you are during the moments of highest excitement , you are in a Tantic state, a state of union between the male and female energy, between the body, the mind and the spirit, and the emotions flow freely and unencumbered like a river between the different levels.

It is a state of pleasure and deep enjoyment, a celebration of being fully alive in the NOW. When you are in this state, time stays still, and your experience of bliss is stretched and intense. The now is eternal. That is why the experience that Tantric love brings is always fresh and new.

They see great sculptures on Tantric temples depicting several people making love to each other, which I admit looks like an orgy.  However it’s far from being an orgy, and is really a higher level of expression of sexual/spiritual love. I want to shed light on the issue to encourage people  who might avoid Tantra, thinking that it is about orgies, to actually take a closer look at Tantra.

The safest way to practice Tantra is within a couple committed to a succulent, conscious life that has growth as its core.  It takes time to nurture a relationship until one feels safe and trusting enough to consciously extend one’s love to others.  Tantra counsels you should not rush into it.

While some Tantric masters might make love with many lovers, it is done so consciously and with the complete approval and comfort of all participants to heighten the energy.  However, it is not an orgy.
Usually orgies are about having sex with people without connecting on a spiritual and emotional level.  Or about enjoying watching someone having sex without risking doing it.  Most people in orgies grab a breast or a buttock and don’t care whom it belongs to as long as it is pleasurable for them.  Women are often objectified.  Some of them don’t like it, and still put themselves in these situations to please their husband or lover; some of them like being objectified because of the harmful way they were treated in their first sexual encounter.  For these women, orgies are a way of perpetrating that original hurt caused by lack of love.  Tantra is not about objectification by any means.

Tantra is about being conscious of the person you are connecting with and asking permission to touch, or kiss, or expressing your sexuality in any other way.  Tantric lovers take time to soul gaze, that is, to connect with the essence of the person they are going to make love to, opening up the whole chakra system and communicating to create safety so that the power of the excitement can be transformed into higher love.  The higher the expression of passion based on safety, the higher the love and spiritual connection can go and the deeper you can enter into intimacy.

When two lovers feel very safe with each other (no fear of losing each other) then they might choose to expand that to other people they feel a connection with, always establishing first what the boundaries are, and making sure that they will be respected.  If one of the participants in this poly group starts feeling uncomfortable, those feelings are taken into consideration immediately and steps taken to restore safety. Poly is short for polyamory, which means loving consciously more than one person.

Tantric polyamory encounters are usually lead by a professional who can intervene in the case of someone not respecting the boundaries.  This professional, usually an experienced Tantrika, can suggest how to make the encounter safer and juicier and bring the whole energy to a higher level.

A polyamory group encounter would start with a ritual dedicating the energy to a goal that leads to more peace and enlightenment for all beings and can be a very high expression of spiritual sex.

In conclusion, orgies are about acting out lust, Tantric lovemaking is about expressing love consciously with complete respect of all the participants, and a Tantric group setting is about transmuting that sexual energy to enlighten the spirit.

There are many other myths about Tantra, and I’ll be answering them in future posts.