Men are usually faster than women getting to places where they are tempted to ejaculate so I will concentrate on guiding men. If you are a woman who get sexually turned on faster than your man, this is for you, too.

For men, your woman’s breathing is the most essential guide that will tell you where your woman is in her process of getting turned. She will hopefully be using the Ocean Breath, a fluid natural breath. When her breathing becomes deep and she makes sounds of pleasure, you know she’s there with you. Until then, you need to match her breathing and feel where she is.

The breath is the most important telltale sign to guide you to her state of arousal. If she’s suspending her breath, that is she starts holding her breath –making her inhalation and exhalation irregular– that could mean her thinking is taking her away from the moment, away from the sensations that your touch is stimulating. It might be too much for her in that moment, but you don’t have to be a mind reader! Her breath will tell you where she is.

When her breath does not harmonize with your breath, then it is wise to invite her attention to the moment by saying something nice to her. For example: “Honey, you are so sexy! When you look at me you transfer all that beautiful energy into me … When you look at me I get so… turned on.”

Or if your wife is in her menopausal or post menopausal years and starts feeling low self-esteem, you might say to her: “Your skin is so soft and glowing right now. I love you so much I would not exchange you even for 2 eighteen year olds!”

Comments like this will definitely get her attention back whatever you do, whether you touch her, kiss her or perform oral loving on her. As the giver, keep consciously sending your love energy to her.
A touch without loving intention remains superficial, no matter how good it is. When you add your love to it, it can go directly into her heart.

As you know, it is when the woman feels loved that she can fully open up sexually. The key to her sexuality is her heart. You can also make loving commitments loudly. The 3 most important words in the dictionary of love are still: “I love you!” Tell her, ” You are the most important person in my life… “ and she will respond with her heart and her body.

Tantric sex is not about reaching the point of no return and ejaculating. It’s about going beyond the point of no return, and surfing the waves of pleasure together. Enjoy!

Photo by Kait Curran Palmer.

First, relax all your facial muscles. A tense face makes tense lips – you want your lips and mouth to be open and welcoming. So, close your eyes for a moment, breathe deeply into your belly, and let go.

Now, kiss your partner’s upper lip (Yang). Use both your lips to embrace their upper lip. Let your lips be open and full. Suck gently.

Now, kiss your partner’s lower lip (Yin). Fully enjoy all the sensations. Explore the rich softness of your lover’s lip.

Now, kiss your partner’s lips together. The full embrace. Feel how their excitement is building.  Do their lips quiver? Are they parted to invite you in?

A kiss is like the first movement of a lovemaking symphony.In every sigh and quiver of your partner’s lips, you can feel as you lift their desire, slowly, building to the first touch, the next touch. . . As you take your time to fully experience the kiss together, you are building even more sexual energy to bring forth in your lovemaking, or to hold at a high level of vibration to energize you in all the parts of your life.

Try each of the following modalities:

Gently touch your lips to your lover’s lips.

Exhale while kissing.

Inhale while kissing.

Gently bite your lover’s lips.

Kiss your lover’s mouth at an angle.

Explore your lover’s mouth with your tongue.

Caress your lover’s upper lip frenulum with your tongue. The frenulum is the small ridge at the middle of the lip on the inside. This can be a very sensitive spot for many people.

Twine your tongue all around your lover’s tongue.

Absorb the nectar from your lover’s mouth with a libation kiss. This is especially sweet when a man
practices it at the moment of the woman’s orgasm.

A variety of touches can express passion, devotion, and love.

The giver and the receiver both have their roles to play in this dance of love.

When they take turns giving and receiving, they each get a chance to lead the dance.

Guidelines for givers:

Focus on sending energy into your partner’s body, starting slowly at the invisible
aura, and gradually penetrating deeper.

Synchronize your breathing with your partner’s breathing, which can change often.

Touch your partner emotionally with your heart.

Avoid repetition by constantly changing your touching strokes’ speed, pressure and length.

Even if one touch feels especially good, move onto another area or stroke,
then come back to a favorite now and then.

Guidelines for receivers:

Relax. It’s your turn to just lie back and receive all the pleasure you can.

Focus your attention on your partner’s hands, wherever they are on your body.

Breathe slowly and deeply, depending on how your body reacts to the touches.

Enlarge your capacity to feel pleasure. You can learn to receive much more than ever before.

Give feedback to your partner, using either verbal or nonverbal communication.

They see great sculptures on Tantric temples depicting several people making love to each other, which I admit looks like an orgy.  However it’s far from being an orgy, and is really a higher level of expression of sexual/spiritual love. I want to shed light on the issue to encourage people  who might avoid Tantra, thinking that it is about orgies, to actually take a closer look at Tantra.

The safest way to practice Tantra is within a couple committed to a succulent, conscious life that has growth as its core.  It takes time to nurture a relationship until one feels safe and trusting enough to consciously extend one’s love to others.  Tantra counsels you should not rush into it.

While some Tantric masters might make love with many lovers, it is done so consciously and with the complete approval and comfort of all participants to heighten the energy.  However, it is not an orgy.
Usually orgies are about having sex with people without connecting on a spiritual and emotional level.  Or about enjoying watching someone having sex without risking doing it.  Most people in orgies grab a breast or a buttock and don’t care whom it belongs to as long as it is pleasurable for them.  Women are often objectified.  Some of them don’t like it, and still put themselves in these situations to please their husband or lover; some of them like being objectified because of the harmful way they were treated in their first sexual encounter.  For these women, orgies are a way of perpetrating that original hurt caused by lack of love.  Tantra is not about objectification by any means.

Tantra is about being conscious of the person you are connecting with and asking permission to touch, or kiss, or expressing your sexuality in any other way.  Tantric lovers take time to soul gaze, that is, to connect with the essence of the person they are going to make love to, opening up the whole chakra system and communicating to create safety so that the power of the excitement can be transformed into higher love.  The higher the expression of passion based on safety, the higher the love and spiritual connection can go and the deeper you can enter into intimacy.

When two lovers feel very safe with each other (no fear of losing each other) then they might choose to expand that to other people they feel a connection with, always establishing first what the boundaries are, and making sure that they will be respected.  If one of the participants in this poly group starts feeling uncomfortable, those feelings are taken into consideration immediately and steps taken to restore safety. Poly is short for polyamory, which means loving consciously more than one person.

Tantric polyamory encounters are usually lead by a professional who can intervene in the case of someone not respecting the boundaries.  This professional, usually an experienced Tantrika, can suggest how to make the encounter safer and juicier and bring the whole energy to a higher level.

A polyamory group encounter would start with a ritual dedicating the energy to a goal that leads to more peace and enlightenment for all beings and can be a very high expression of spiritual sex.

In conclusion, orgies are about acting out lust, Tantric lovemaking is about expressing love consciously with complete respect of all the participants, and a Tantric group setting is about transmuting that sexual energy to enlighten the spirit.

There are many other myths about Tantra, and I’ll be answering them in future posts.

Unfortunately for many people a sex encounter becomes more a mutual masturbation than a real love building experience.

Tantra invites us to take time to thoroughly touch each other to increase arousal across the entire body. Your conscious touch stirs up energy in the form of weak electronic waves that start flowing continuing to build up until they become larger waves that encompass the entire body. The pleasure waves increase the flow of happy hormones that help opening up both the heart and the flow of sexual energy.

When I say conscious I mean that you are not thinking of something else. Your attention is fully on your lover, how they breathe and how they take in your touch. If the receiver holds her or his breath and seems to be into her own thinking you might ask if they would like a softer or stronger, slower of faster touch, depending on how you are touching them when you see them “disconnect” from what is happening.

This question will get their attention back and you will get a chance to give them the touch they desire. Sometimes we tend to touch how we want to be touched instead of tuning in and see how our lover likes it.

Our skin is our biggest organ and needs caring love and attention. But the Tantric touch goes deeper than the skin. When you put your intention together with your breath you can feel all the muscles sucking in that attention, which goes all the way down to the bones. Yes, bones need love and attention, too, and that can be done even without having to use deep tissue massage strokes.

Your intention connected with your breath is very powerful and can penetrate quite deep to touch and heal.

Tantric people know that touching a lover does not always have to end in ejaculation. Touch is both sensuous and healing. The most obvious emissaries of love are our arms and the focal points from which love flows are the palms. So when we touch our loved ones we help them heal from any pain or disappointment they might have experience d d uring the day and feel that life is worth living just to be touched by you.

Many women tell me that they often cringe when their men starts touching them because they know it will end up in intercourse and they might not be in the mood for it. To prevent this from happening I am inviting men to set up a just touching time with your beloved. And I recommend that when even when she gets all excited you keep your agreement of “just touching” during that time. If you do that several times you will build up trust that you are keeping your word and she will st art being touched with joy anytime you do so.

And I promise you that both of you will have an incredibly great time touching and making love.

It was awesome. I was feeling so energized and excited that I skipped all the way home.

However, I want you to know that sometimes orgasms can be quiet and very deep. At other times, you know you are not able to have an orgasm at all. Women sometimes feel that they have to fake an orgasm with high sounds and fast breathing in order not to disappoint their lovers. Men who might know about explosive orgasms might measure their own ability as lovers, by a woman’s ability to have explosive orgasms.

What would you do then? You might ask yourself, “should I fake it or not?”

Hopefully, you will trust your partner enough to tell him: “Honey, you know what a great lover you are and I think you are realty hot, but tonight I think I’m not able to let go.” or something similar that is true for you. This will save his “sexual self-esteem” and open up to him in your vulnerability, which is very attractive to men. Most men in that case would love to cuddle and kiss you until you relax, perhaps into a real orgasm.

When you fake it, you feel a lack of integrity and you may sabotage the relationship. You might have noticed that after you have an orgasm you feel elated and energetic. But after you fake one you feel depressed and tired. Sometimes, instead you may want to force an orgasm to end a sexual encounter. Instead a better choice may be to tell your partner the truth about your feeling of having enough (for now) and offer to give him a great an orgasm using your other talents.

Faking and forcing orgasms is not what you want to do to nurture your relationship. You might even unconsously avoid the next sexual encounter, which can really damage your relationship.

Regrettably, there are also women who actually are too wounded to have orgasm. But that is a topic for another post.

Blessings,
Carla