“How can it be possible?” he asked me in disbelief during the session.

There could be several reasons.  Just to mention a few:

She might have felt ashamed of it as many women do when they grow up, believing that their sex center is “dirty.”

Perhaps the first man who did oral on her might have stimulated her clitoris too soon and too hard, and it might have been rather painful to her.

I remember seeing his eyes widen at my answer, so I asked him about his approach, and from his description I understood why she did not like it.

Immediately he asked me if I could teach him how to give oral pleasure to a woman.

I explained that the tiny clitoris has thousands of nerve endings, and that it should be approached gently and slowly at first, otherwise the sensation gets too intense, and can even become painful. Some women want other parts of their yoni stimulated first, before going to the clitoris.

The best approach begins with taking time to connect with her first by looking into her eyes, and then synchronizing your breath with her. By doing that, you can penetrate her soul, and go places with her you might not have reached before.

Once you have connected with her through the eye and the breath, move your attention to her body. Start breathing on the yoni before you move on to touching it with your tongue, softly at first.

Keep monitoring her facial expression and her body reaction to your approach. You can also ask about her experience, if you are not sure what her facial expression wants to tell you.

Most women like to be brought to a place of wanting more instead having to pull back because it’s too intense. When the yoni opens up more, then you can increase the firmness gradually.

The more attention you pay to your lover’s expression and adjust your giving accordingly, the more you can heighten her pleasure and your enjoyment in riding the waves of ecstasy with her.

Now, calling me a month later, this young man proudly announced that his girlfriend reaches several orgasms when he gives her oral attention. He told me that his highest pleasure was to see her in ecstasy, and he was so grateful for the teaching he had received from me.

In this state, our bodies are relaxed, full of potential energy, producing an environment in our bodies where health and vitality explode in each cell. We feel fully satisfied and joyous.

In the moment of orgasm the soul is restored to its original essence of peace and oneness. The quality of an orgasm depends on how deeply you connect with your partner. As you know, some ejaculatory orgasms are superficial: they just relieve the tension created through fast masturbation or, for women, clitoral stimulation. This is not the orgasm I’m talking about here. I am referring to deeply connecting Tantric orgasms.

For a woman I mean g spot and cervical orgasms. And both can be blended with clitoral orgasm. To reach any of these orgasms, trust and emotional connection are essential. Many of you already know about the g spot, which we in Tantra call Goddess spot. The cervical orgasm is even deeper and more powerful, and it is usually achieved after a longer period of stimulation.

For a man, I mean an orgasm that comes both from his body being fully turned on – not just the lingam – and from his soul being fully involved with his female lover. Tantric tools help the man to reach these high quality orgasms. For more on this, see my article Male Multiple Full-Body Orgasms.

Bathed in a radiant/peaceful “afterglow” you can now both integrate your love on a deeper level as you realize you are one. You are realizing the truth of each moment: “we always are ONE”,and there is deep relaxation, ecstasy, peace and safety in the experience of this reality.

We enjoy the deep connection for a while – how long depends by each individual preference and need. However, since we live in the world of opposites, there is an opposite urge for autonomy and individuality at work within in each of us, and soon the urge to separate takes the front seat in our consciousness, driving us to separate once again. In this physical reality, if we are always at peace and in perfect balance we can get bored. We exist in this world as a result of opposites: day and night, light and dark, men and women, and living here fully mean playing the erotic game of oneness and separation. So we build up magnetism to attract the complementary polarity; if we are in the male energy, we attract the female and vice-versa. It is this play between the urge to unify and the urge to separate that creates the dance of intimacy. Tantra shows you how to become masters at it.

We, both men and women, have a mixture of feminine and masculine energies. The masculine in us feels its bliss in freedom and emptiness. Bliss for the feminine consists of mastering change, stirring up energy, flowing with the waves, being the wind that makes the leaves dance, the hurricane, the volcanic eruptions, the explosion of life in spring, the birth of life from her body.

The healthy masculine is driven to achieve some high goals. When he has achieved them he has the freedom from needing to do something so he can rest in emptiness: nothing to do – or for some to do something out of joy, not out of necessity; even in lovemaking the masculine part of us works until it releases the tension often through ejaculation and then hangs out in “nothingness”, perhaps tuning out in front of a TV set, or some other mindless entertainment.

All religions founded by men have in some form or another as an important goal redemption (recovering freedom) and eternal peace. On the other hand, matriarchal societies have produced Tantra and other systems celebratory of love and connection. Celebration of spring is another way the feminine celebrates. Beltane is a time of celebration and fertility rites.

The healthy feminine expresses itself though changes, shades of light and shadows, alternating moods — from joy to crying if she’s deeply touched by the presence of the masculine, and his attention to her. The feminine is in touch with what happens in her body, moving her body in waves of pleasure and making sounds according to the power of the waves she feels within her body.

The masculine can ride with her achieving his goal of emptiness when his attention is fully in her so that he becomes her. He enjoys the feminine in all her expressions when he can be so present to her. The feminine feels complete when the presence of the masculine is complete.

When this happens both female and male are in ecstasy and can reach the highest orgasms that are the celebration of the reunion between the two polarities. This intense, juicy celebration of our physical reality takes us to ecstatic places beyond the physical reality. This excursion into the reality of who we are is essential for the health of our human experience. During orgasms oxytocin, a hormone that creates bonding, is being released. The immune system is being stimulated and strengthened, blood circulation brought to all capillaries, flooding us with energy and rejuvenation.

People who achieve these kinds of orgasm have a bounce in their steps, a more positive attitude and attract more abundance with fewer struggles. They usually look 10 to 20 years younger when they reach their 50s and 60s.

Staying aware when you are very turned on physically is challenging, but incredibly rewarding. When you learn to stay aware of all that you are during the moments of highest excitement , you are in a Tantic state, a state of union between the male and female energy, between the body, the mind and the spirit, and the emotions flow freely and unencumbered like a river between the different levels.

It is a state of pleasure and deep enjoyment, a celebration of being fully alive in the NOW. When you are in this state, time stays still, and your experience of bliss is stretched and intense. The now is eternal. That is why the experience that Tantric love brings is always fresh and new.

What she said came from a rehearsed circular thinking in her head.  She did not allow herself time to feel.   She told me she hated herself and especially her body.  She grew up with a self-righteous alcoholic father and a Catholic mother who did NOT allow herself or her children to feel feelings, especially those of pleasure.

She complained that she had a dark secret:  she was 49 years old and she had never had an orgasm!  All her friends were telling her of their great lovemaking, ending in earthshaking orgasms. . . Whether they were telling her the truth or not, she believed them and guessed there was something wrong with her.

Talking to Jane did not seem the best approach, because her rigid belief that there was something wrong with her would just filter out my words.  I had to try something more direct.

I could see that Jane was breathing high, shallow breaths, lifting her upper chest while her lower chest remained immobile ,and her belly pulled in tightly as though she had to save her back from the strain of lifting a heavy weight.  She was in a state of high stress.  Although her muscles were quite tight, giving the illusion of strength, she was pale, and lacking inner strength.

So I empathized and created a safe space for Jane to feel her feelings. I started her off with the Ocean Breath, a gentle,
powerful breath that takes people out of their minds and into their bodies in a very short space of time.  Although the Ocean Breath is easy to learn, the resistance to it can be great.  One of the skills of a Tantric guide is to create a safe space where one can feel supported in discovering emotional truths we are hiding from ourselves.

Jane’s first fear was that she might be swept away by her emotions, and then succumb to some terrible, life threatening attack from outside.    We looked at it together with kindness without buying into it, and the fear started to diminish enough for her to achieve a relaxed state she had never felt before.

After I encouraged her to do the Ocean Breath for a while, her body started to soften.  Her cheeks became rosy and the constant movement in her eyes slowed down.  She was afraid of falling asleep when she reached a peaceful place.  Wanting to fall asleep is another defense, so I invited her to continue the Ocean Breath.  Then another fear emerged, the fear of liking pleasure so much she would stop working and then . . . starve!  A series of fears came up, including that she would be punished or even raped if she allowed herself to be playful.

We calmly addressed those fears one at the time.  After a while she finally surrendered to enjoying the feeling of pleasure in her body and a sense of acceptance that she never felt before. By the end of the session, she had transformed her urgency to have an orgasm into a calm confident acceptance that having orgasms is natural when we allow ourselves to just feel and be present to those feelings, riding on the waves of the breath.

She called me after a week of practicing the Ocean Breath for 20 minutes a day, and told me that she had experienced a great orgasm with her boyfriend.

By the way, the Ocean Breath works for men as well.  By focusing you in your body, it helps you relax your mind and escape the relentless self-criticism we all struggle with.   This helps you to overcome premature ejaculation, to relax enough to feel more pleasure and have greater orgasms (including full-body orgasms), and take the women to her greatest pleasure!

Take a moment to reflect on your parents and your upbringing as a child. Make a list of what your mother and father believed about sex and love.

Now, consider the following list and answer for yourself, did you parents believe and tell you at an appropriate age that:

* sex is a gift from God and it is your right to enjoy it fully;
* sexual energy creates great pleasure and expands love;
* it is important to make love to yourself to find out what you like so you can tell your lover;
* moving sexual energy is healthy for your body, mind and spirit;
* it is your responsibly to achieve orgasms;
* you have the right to ask how you want to be touched and kissed, and where;
* you take turns in giving and receiving pleasure;
* before making love, clear out resentments that might create a bigger disturbance if not addressed;
* making love out of duty creates a rift in your soul;
* looking into each other’s eyes in a soft way increases your openness to give and receive love.

If you answered no to several of these points, or if this list is quite different from your first list of your parents’ beliefs about love and sex, you might consider doing the work of changing those beliefs into your own empowering beliefs.

Perhaps your parents themselves were never exposed to these ideas, and they might have felt shame or guilt about their own sexuality.

In that case, even if they told you all or some of the above, you might have received instead their unconscious message that sex was shameful.

That happens because as a child you live on an emotional level, so you absorb what your parents believe in their guts more than what they tell you with words, even when they believe their words at an intellectual, thinking level.

Now that you are a grown up, it is your right to check in with yourself and see where you are still unconsciously faithful to your parents’ beliefs. This may be challenging emotionally – you took in what they believed because you loved them, and changing those beliefs might feel to you like a betrayal of your love.

You can both love your parents for who they are, without judgement, and also find and own your own beliefs that will empower you to a richer and more pleasurable life.

To bring those beliefs up into the conscious mind –where beliefs can be changed –takes intention, introspection, commitment, and a special breathing which I call “Ocean Breath,” one of the most important Tantric breathing techniques.

As you know, unless the foundation of a building is firm, the building may collapse. Make sure that the foundation of your love-building is strong, so you can build it as high as you want in strength and safety.

Blessings,

Carla Tara

While I am staying out of the medical debate about penile enlargement and its consequences to your health, as a Tantrika I can say that the size of your penis has little to do with her having the greatest orgasm she can have. For you, it is very much a matter of being in control of your mind that often scares you by telling you that you will repeat the same poor performance of previous times, and using the right angles during intercourse.

It is essential to really connect with her, to know how to use your love muscles (PC muscles), using breathing and concentration techniques to avoid premature ejaculation while building up the charge. A premature ejaculation is an ejaculation that happens before you want it. Your muscles start pumping out the semen involuntarily. You need to learn to control them, and in many cases strengthen them. If you ejaculate before your lover has reached an orgasm, whether clitoral or vaginal or both, it is an ejaculation that is premature.

Tantra can give you the techniques you need to achieve results you desire. Furthermore it provides you with the added satisfaction of connecting more deeply with your lover. When you allow their love in, instead of being closed off in your head, worried about how you will perform, you will relax and actually be a better lover.

About her orgasms: a clitoral orgasm can happen with just rubbing on the outside of the clitoris. It can be achieved during intercourse if her clitoris is close to the introitus of the yoni so it gets strokes by your lingam, otherwise she needs extra stimulation from the outside. You can help her achieve vaginal orgasms, whether g spot or cervical orgasms, during intercourse by adjusting your angle of entry and doing the right hip movements.

The clitoral orgasm can not be compared to vaginal orgasms. It’s like comparing apples with oranges. The clitoral orgasm is more intense and more similar to the male orgasm, whereas the vaginal orgasms are more feminine in nature: more wavelike and can last for a long time and can be repeated. A woman can have a series of vaginal orgasms, but usually only one or two clitoral orgasm. Then the clitoris becomes too sensitive to continue.

I really hope I have helped shine some light on the debate. What do you like more: oranges or apples? I myself like both and both are incredibly pleasurable.