The most common sexual dysfunctions that men experience are: loss of desire, erectile dysfunctions, premature ejaculation and impotence. Some women experience: inhibited sexual desire, lack of orgasm, insufficient lubrification and painful intercourse. According to the Journal of the American Medical Association, in 2005 more than 105 million Americans reported struggling with chronic sexual dysfunctions and many of them were not aware that there is help available. Diabetes can be one of the causes of sexual dysfunctions. Also some prescription medications for depression can have a negative effect on sexual desire.

There are many causes: some of them are related to hormone production, to blocks to the flow of energy, to shallow anxious breathing and unhealthy diet, just to mention a few.

The hormonal production tends to diminish with age, and you could consult a good endocrinologist to check your hormonal production status. There is a lot of information available on the internet. It’s worth learning about it.

There are also products available that are natural, organic, that very safely stimulate the body to increase production of the body’s natural growth hormones.

What you eat and drink is also important. There are certain simple recommendations you might want to observe most of the time: eat your biggest meal between 12 and 2 PM; eat fish vegetables often; keep your stomach light at night; drink lots of water during the day. Drinking a little alcohol can help lower inhibitions, while drinking too much can inhibit sexuality.

Breathing shallowly and high in the chest is probably the most important single cause of lack of energy and anxiety during lovemaking. Through the years, we became habituated to breathe shallow breaths, often filling only the higher part of our chest where the lungs are narrow and smaller. The body brings the venous blood to the lungs to be purified and the largest veins are located on the bottom of the lungs. Venous blood contains carbon dioxide and other poisonous gases that need to be exchanged with oxygen and thus transformed into vital arterial blood that nourished and strengthens the body.

To be fully present and energetic lovers, we need to learn to breathe to facilitate this exchange as fully as possible. Tantra teaches different breaths for different purposes. Some of the most used techniques are to increase energy and to retain energy without going over the top.

However, many of the sexual dysfunctions are due to emotional issues, entrenchment into set habits, undelivered communications and resentments that could build a cold wall between couples and unconscious issues coming to the surface. A good Tantric Healer can help you look at those issues with increased energy and guide you to use this powerful Tantric tools to open up blocks and take care of unfinished issues that limit the joy of our lovemaking.

Lots of issues have been repressed and feeling rationalized instead of felt. When emotions are not expressed, blocks to the flow of energy form along the pathway where erotic energy would otherwise flow to the whole body. When blocks are present your vitality is lower and sex becomes more a “squeeze and burst” event, at best a letting go of tension instead of an exchange to deepen your love for each other.

Some men have trained themselves with techniques to “making her come” the fastest way possible so that they can “come” thus missing the opportunity for emotional connection and really fulfilling lovemaking. This way of having sex gives leaves you with a sense of immediate relief but robs you of the opportunity to use this powerful energy for deep heart connection and nurturing. Thus lovers are depriving themselves of deeper and longer pleasure that could enliven all the cells of the body. Making love could be the greatest way to “make love” grow and to live a longer, happier life.

Deep breathing helps bring emotions to the surface. “E-motion” means energy in motion. When emotions are felt sexual energy can reach higher levels riding higher and wider waives sending into ecstatic lovemaking that is really fulfilling. Sex without emotions leaves people tired, empty and sometimes sad. We instinctively know there is more to it.

Deep breathing is also a key to avoiding anxiety about performance. When your whole body tingles with aliveness and when you hear our lover breathe equally deeply, perhaps even making a sound on each exhalation, you are less prone to thinking about performance and more about riding the waves of pleasure a little longer.

Tantra offers the view that we are spiritual beings having a physical experience and as such we have infinite potential for expressing love. By adding the spiritual dimension into the lovemaking it elevates it to ecstasy and adds opens doors for infinite creativity.

As spiritual beings we have infinite potential available and therefore boredom is no longer a danger.

First, relax all your facial muscles. A tense face makes tense lips – you want your lips and mouth to be open and welcoming. So, close your eyes for a moment, breathe deeply into your belly, and let go.

Now, kiss your partner’s upper lip (Yang). Use both your lips to embrace their upper lip. Let your lips be open and full. Suck gently.

Now, kiss your partner’s lower lip (Yin). Fully enjoy all the sensations. Explore the rich softness of your lover’s lip.

Now, kiss your partner’s lips together. The full embrace. Feel how their excitement is building.  Do their lips quiver? Are they parted to invite you in?

A kiss is like the first movement of a lovemaking symphony.In every sigh and quiver of your partner’s lips, you can feel as you lift their desire, slowly, building to the first touch, the next touch. . . As you take your time to fully experience the kiss together, you are building even more sexual energy to bring forth in your lovemaking, or to hold at a high level of vibration to energize you in all the parts of your life.

Try each of the following modalities:

Gently touch your lips to your lover’s lips.

Exhale while kissing.

Inhale while kissing.

Gently bite your lover’s lips.

Kiss your lover’s mouth at an angle.

Explore your lover’s mouth with your tongue.

Caress your lover’s upper lip frenulum with your tongue. The frenulum is the small ridge at the middle of the lip on the inside. This can be a very sensitive spot for many people.

Twine your tongue all around your lover’s tongue.

Absorb the nectar from your lover’s mouth with a libation kiss. This is especially sweet when a man
practices it at the moment of the woman’s orgasm.

A variety of touches can express passion, devotion, and love.

The giver and the receiver both have their roles to play in this dance of love.

When they take turns giving and receiving, they each get a chance to lead the dance.

Guidelines for givers:

Focus on sending energy into your partner’s body, starting slowly at the invisible
aura, and gradually penetrating deeper.

Synchronize your breathing with your partner’s breathing, which can change often.

Touch your partner emotionally with your heart.

Avoid repetition by constantly changing your touching strokes’ speed, pressure and length.

Even if one touch feels especially good, move onto another area or stroke,
then come back to a favorite now and then.

Guidelines for receivers:

Relax. It’s your turn to just lie back and receive all the pleasure you can.

Focus your attention on your partner’s hands, wherever they are on your body.

Breathe slowly and deeply, depending on how your body reacts to the touches.

Enlarge your capacity to feel pleasure. You can learn to receive much more than ever before.

Give feedback to your partner, using either verbal or nonverbal communication.

“How can it be possible?” he asked me in disbelief during the session.

There could be several reasons.  Just to mention a few:

She might have felt ashamed of it as many women do when they grow up, believing that their sex center is “dirty.”

Perhaps the first man who did oral on her might have stimulated her clitoris too soon and too hard, and it might have been rather painful to her.

I remember seeing his eyes widen at my answer, so I asked him about his approach, and from his description I understood why she did not like it.

Immediately he asked me if I could teach him how to give oral pleasure to a woman.

I explained that the tiny clitoris has thousands of nerve endings, and that it should be approached gently and slowly at first, otherwise the sensation gets too intense, and can even become painful. Some women want other parts of their yoni stimulated first, before going to the clitoris.

The best approach begins with taking time to connect with her first by looking into her eyes, and then synchronizing your breath with her. By doing that, you can penetrate her soul, and go places with her you might not have reached before.

Once you have connected with her through the eye and the breath, move your attention to her body. Start breathing on the yoni before you move on to touching it with your tongue, softly at first.

Keep monitoring her facial expression and her body reaction to your approach. You can also ask about her experience, if you are not sure what her facial expression wants to tell you.

Most women like to be brought to a place of wanting more instead having to pull back because it’s too intense. When the yoni opens up more, then you can increase the firmness gradually.

The more attention you pay to your lover’s expression and adjust your giving accordingly, the more you can heighten her pleasure and your enjoyment in riding the waves of ecstasy with her.

Now, calling me a month later, this young man proudly announced that his girlfriend reaches several orgasms when he gives her oral attention. He told me that his highest pleasure was to see her in ecstasy, and he was so grateful for the teaching he had received from me.

In this state, our bodies are relaxed, full of potential energy, producing an environment in our bodies where health and vitality explode in each cell. We feel fully satisfied and joyous.

In the moment of orgasm the soul is restored to its original essence of peace and oneness. The quality of an orgasm depends on how deeply you connect with your partner. As you know, some ejaculatory orgasms are superficial: they just relieve the tension created through fast masturbation or, for women, clitoral stimulation. This is not the orgasm I’m talking about here. I am referring to deeply connecting Tantric orgasms.

For a woman I mean g spot and cervical orgasms. And both can be blended with clitoral orgasm. To reach any of these orgasms, trust and emotional connection are essential. Many of you already know about the g spot, which we in Tantra call Goddess spot. The cervical orgasm is even deeper and more powerful, and it is usually achieved after a longer period of stimulation.

For a man, I mean an orgasm that comes both from his body being fully turned on – not just the lingam – and from his soul being fully involved with his female lover. Tantric tools help the man to reach these high quality orgasms. For more on this, see my article Male Multiple Full-Body Orgasms.

Bathed in a radiant/peaceful “afterglow” you can now both integrate your love on a deeper level as you realize you are one. You are realizing the truth of each moment: “we always are ONE”,and there is deep relaxation, ecstasy, peace and safety in the experience of this reality.

We enjoy the deep connection for a while – how long depends by each individual preference and need. However, since we live in the world of opposites, there is an opposite urge for autonomy and individuality at work within in each of us, and soon the urge to separate takes the front seat in our consciousness, driving us to separate once again. In this physical reality, if we are always at peace and in perfect balance we can get bored. We exist in this world as a result of opposites: day and night, light and dark, men and women, and living here fully mean playing the erotic game of oneness and separation. So we build up magnetism to attract the complementary polarity; if we are in the male energy, we attract the female and vice-versa. It is this play between the urge to unify and the urge to separate that creates the dance of intimacy. Tantra shows you how to become masters at it.

We, both men and women, have a mixture of feminine and masculine energies. The masculine in us feels its bliss in freedom and emptiness. Bliss for the feminine consists of mastering change, stirring up energy, flowing with the waves, being the wind that makes the leaves dance, the hurricane, the volcanic eruptions, the explosion of life in spring, the birth of life from her body.

The healthy masculine is driven to achieve some high goals. When he has achieved them he has the freedom from needing to do something so he can rest in emptiness: nothing to do – or for some to do something out of joy, not out of necessity; even in lovemaking the masculine part of us works until it releases the tension often through ejaculation and then hangs out in “nothingness”, perhaps tuning out in front of a TV set, or some other mindless entertainment.

All religions founded by men have in some form or another as an important goal redemption (recovering freedom) and eternal peace. On the other hand, matriarchal societies have produced Tantra and other systems celebratory of love and connection. Celebration of spring is another way the feminine celebrates. Beltane is a time of celebration and fertility rites.

The healthy feminine expresses itself though changes, shades of light and shadows, alternating moods — from joy to crying if she’s deeply touched by the presence of the masculine, and his attention to her. The feminine is in touch with what happens in her body, moving her body in waves of pleasure and making sounds according to the power of the waves she feels within her body.

The masculine can ride with her achieving his goal of emptiness when his attention is fully in her so that he becomes her. He enjoys the feminine in all her expressions when he can be so present to her. The feminine feels complete when the presence of the masculine is complete.

When this happens both female and male are in ecstasy and can reach the highest orgasms that are the celebration of the reunion between the two polarities. This intense, juicy celebration of our physical reality takes us to ecstatic places beyond the physical reality. This excursion into the reality of who we are is essential for the health of our human experience. During orgasms oxytocin, a hormone that creates bonding, is being released. The immune system is being stimulated and strengthened, blood circulation brought to all capillaries, flooding us with energy and rejuvenation.

People who achieve these kinds of orgasm have a bounce in their steps, a more positive attitude and attract more abundance with fewer struggles. They usually look 10 to 20 years younger when they reach their 50s and 60s.

Staying aware when you are very turned on physically is challenging, but incredibly rewarding. When you learn to stay aware of all that you are during the moments of highest excitement , you are in a Tantic state, a state of union between the male and female energy, between the body, the mind and the spirit, and the emotions flow freely and unencumbered like a river between the different levels.

It is a state of pleasure and deep enjoyment, a celebration of being fully alive in the NOW. When you are in this state, time stays still, and your experience of bliss is stretched and intense. The now is eternal. That is why the experience that Tantric love brings is always fresh and new.

They see great sculptures on Tantric temples depicting several people making love to each other, which I admit looks like an orgy.  However it’s far from being an orgy, and is really a higher level of expression of sexual/spiritual love. I want to shed light on the issue to encourage people  who might avoid Tantra, thinking that it is about orgies, to actually take a closer look at Tantra.

The safest way to practice Tantra is within a couple committed to a succulent, conscious life that has growth as its core.  It takes time to nurture a relationship until one feels safe and trusting enough to consciously extend one’s love to others.  Tantra counsels you should not rush into it.

While some Tantric masters might make love with many lovers, it is done so consciously and with the complete approval and comfort of all participants to heighten the energy.  However, it is not an orgy.
Usually orgies are about having sex with people without connecting on a spiritual and emotional level.  Or about enjoying watching someone having sex without risking doing it.  Most people in orgies grab a breast or a buttock and don’t care whom it belongs to as long as it is pleasurable for them.  Women are often objectified.  Some of them don’t like it, and still put themselves in these situations to please their husband or lover; some of them like being objectified because of the harmful way they were treated in their first sexual encounter.  For these women, orgies are a way of perpetrating that original hurt caused by lack of love.  Tantra is not about objectification by any means.

Tantra is about being conscious of the person you are connecting with and asking permission to touch, or kiss, or expressing your sexuality in any other way.  Tantric lovers take time to soul gaze, that is, to connect with the essence of the person they are going to make love to, opening up the whole chakra system and communicating to create safety so that the power of the excitement can be transformed into higher love.  The higher the expression of passion based on safety, the higher the love and spiritual connection can go and the deeper you can enter into intimacy.

When two lovers feel very safe with each other (no fear of losing each other) then they might choose to expand that to other people they feel a connection with, always establishing first what the boundaries are, and making sure that they will be respected.  If one of the participants in this poly group starts feeling uncomfortable, those feelings are taken into consideration immediately and steps taken to restore safety. Poly is short for polyamory, which means loving consciously more than one person.

Tantric polyamory encounters are usually lead by a professional who can intervene in the case of someone not respecting the boundaries.  This professional, usually an experienced Tantrika, can suggest how to make the encounter safer and juicier and bring the whole energy to a higher level.

A polyamory group encounter would start with a ritual dedicating the energy to a goal that leads to more peace and enlightenment for all beings and can be a very high expression of spiritual sex.

In conclusion, orgies are about acting out lust, Tantric lovemaking is about expressing love consciously with complete respect of all the participants, and a Tantric group setting is about transmuting that sexual energy to enlighten the spirit.

There are many other myths about Tantra, and I’ll be answering them in future posts.

I have just discovered my g-spot, and loved the orgasms I have when it is well stimulated.

I was feeling so great thinking that now I know everything about my sexuality.

However, my friend ruined it for me the other day by saying that the cervix orgasm is better. I don’t even know you can have a cervical orgasm. Is it true? 

Answer:

First of all, orgasms cannot be compared. They are different for everyone and you can reach different heights at different days depending on many circumstances, including your mood, and especially the quality of your connection.

However, I am glad that your friend mentioned the cervix orgasm, because most people have never heard of it. The more you know about your anatomy, the more you can enjoy your body.

The cervix is the end of the canal that starts at the entrance of your vagina which Tantra calls the yoni or ‘sacred space.’ The cervix is made of cartilage, and it’s smooth and firm like the tip of the nose. It has something called the Os, that means mouth in Latin, which is the opening into the uterus.

After the clitoris and the g-spot – the place inside your vagina behind the pubic bone at the base of the clitoris (Tantra calls this the ‘Goddess spot’) — have been stimulated and engorged, the cervix lifts higher and, consequently, the vaginal canal elongates and the cervix becomes more difficult to reach with the fingers.

However, the penis can reach it more easily, and if your man knows how to move well to stimulate your cervix without hitting it too hard, he can bring you to powerful orgasms usually accompanied by ejaculation of abundant sexual fluid which Tantra calls Amrita.

Now that you have found out about this wonderful experience, sometimes called the X Orgasm, I hope you have a lover that can help you reach this great orgasm!

Blessings,
Carla

Unfortunately for many people a sex encounter becomes more a mutual masturbation than a real love building experience.

Tantra invites us to take time to thoroughly touch each other to increase arousal across the entire body. Your conscious touch stirs up energy in the form of weak electronic waves that start flowing continuing to build up until they become larger waves that encompass the entire body. The pleasure waves increase the flow of happy hormones that help opening up both the heart and the flow of sexual energy.

When I say conscious I mean that you are not thinking of something else. Your attention is fully on your lover, how they breathe and how they take in your touch. If the receiver holds her or his breath and seems to be into her own thinking you might ask if they would like a softer or stronger, slower of faster touch, depending on how you are touching them when you see them “disconnect” from what is happening.

This question will get their attention back and you will get a chance to give them the touch they desire. Sometimes we tend to touch how we want to be touched instead of tuning in and see how our lover likes it.

Our skin is our biggest organ and needs caring love and attention. But the Tantric touch goes deeper than the skin. When you put your intention together with your breath you can feel all the muscles sucking in that attention, which goes all the way down to the bones. Yes, bones need love and attention, too, and that can be done even without having to use deep tissue massage strokes.

Your intention connected with your breath is very powerful and can penetrate quite deep to touch and heal.

Tantric people know that touching a lover does not always have to end in ejaculation. Touch is both sensuous and healing. The most obvious emissaries of love are our arms and the focal points from which love flows are the palms. So when we touch our loved ones we help them heal from any pain or disappointment they might have experience d d uring the day and feel that life is worth living just to be touched by you.

Many women tell me that they often cringe when their men starts touching them because they know it will end up in intercourse and they might not be in the mood for it. To prevent this from happening I am inviting men to set up a just touching time with your beloved. And I recommend that when even when she gets all excited you keep your agreement of “just touching” during that time. If you do that several times you will build up trust that you are keeping your word and she will st art being touched with joy anytime you do so.

And I promise you that both of you will have an incredibly great time touching and making love.

Most people’s perception of Tantra is limited to controlling sex so you can have it for hours and hours in strange positions. Tantra is much more than that. It includes 64 arts that support you to be the most sensitive and accomplished lover of life and of another person. It includes the art of understanding the energy flow, of communicating deeply from your feelings, the art of romance, of setting up a room that will encourage you to create a mood that takes you higher into your fullest potential of vitality and passion, and more…

l embraced Tantra fully, and I teach it passionately because it has helped me to free myself from limiting emotional conclusions about sexuality, and to accept on all levels of my being that sex is an powerful force that amplifies any intention I hold. So if you intend to increase your love or vitality or abundance, your sexual expression is doing that. If you have the intention of connecting deeply with another and experiencing bliss together, sexuality becomes a very high expression of love, and learning to become the best lover you can becomes very important. Tantra encourages you to become the ultimate lover on all levels.

Tantra is a path that successfully unites sexuality with spirituality. It is the only spiritual approach I know of that faces the sexual challenges directly and teaches us how to use sex in a safe, and powerful way. It is a path to enlightenment, which can be reached by transcending our dualistic state of mind. Often we think one thing and feel another. Tantra uses our natural sexual energy to heal the split between body and spirit, between thinking and feeling, and helps you feel whole and really fulfilled.

It is not about how many hours you spend in sexual activities, although it helps with that too if you so desire. Tantra guides you to generate, heighten and transform sexual energy to more subtle energies as you channel it up through higher energy centers in the body (chakras). With the intention of transforming this powerful energy, you can create a new you.

Chakras are wheels of energy. The Hindu tradition believes that there are seven energy wheels that need to spin freely to be fully healthy and to move the maximum amount of energy. The first chakra is situated at the base of our spine. It connects us with the earth, and when it is open and balanced we feel safe. The second chakra is about sex, fluidity, and juiciness; the third – the solar plexus – is about expression of willpower and self-esteem; the fourth – at the heart level – is about love and compassion; the fifth – at the throat level – is about free and honest communication; the sixth – at the forehead level – is about intuition;  and the seventh – in the middle of the brain – is about connection with the part of us that is beyond our personality and reaches into the spirit.

The idea of Tantra is to balance these energy centers and to raise the vibrations of pleasure from the first and second chakras to the higher chakras to express self-esteem, love, honest communication, intuition, and finally to merge with into your ultimate transcendent reality. It transforms the sexual energy that is coiled in the lower chakras into love and into light.

Tantra is also a path to complete intimacy with oneself and with another being. Many find it easier to be physically intimate than to share true emotional intimacy. We hold back on letting others see us as we are, especially the parts of us that we judge as bad. Many are more interested in learning lovemaking techniques, which Tantra offers in abundance, than to committing to emotional and spiritual intimacy and absolute honesty with a partner. It seems logical that, in order to achieve the highest state of union with All That Is, we must first be willing to be fully open with at least one human being.

Furthermore, even on a less cosmic level, in order to fully heal ourselves from the shame of our imperfect state of being human, we long for a person who loves us as we are. However, in order to be able to allow that love to penetrate us and heal us, we must first be willing to fully accept ourselves with all our desirable and undesirable qualities.

Tantra gives us plenty of suggestions about how self-acceptance can be reached, and guides you gently to go beyond self-acceptance to honor our true God self.

Sex is very important in our lives. It is a powerful creative force and it leads to orgasm. Orgasm is probably the closest some of us get to the experience of enlightenment. For a more-or-less brief moment, we get to forget ourselves, our problems, our egos, and just be with pure energy, with God.

Tantra guides you gradually to lengthen the peak experience of sexual ecstasy so that, in a way, we get to “hang out” with God longer. This expands our consciousness so that, when you come down to the dualistic plane, you see yourselves and life in a new way. You can actually experience the love that supports the whole cosmos. It is awesome.

When I started playing with the idea of making Tantra my path, I was surprised to notice my resistance to practicing it, finding “plausible” excuses not to find time for it. I remember feeling a similar resistance to my meditation practices. My resistance was confusing to me because here I had found a path that allowed me to use pleasure to reach God and I was avoiding it. Why? After some inner search I realized that this pleasure was different from the previously felt pleasure, which was mixed with pain and guilt. This, however, was pure pleasure, and I did not know how to be with it. Slowly, with a lot of patience and practice, I started to build up my capacity to sustain pure pleasure. I also had to overcome the voice of my internalized mother, who condemned me for feeling sexual pleasure in the first place.

With practice I was able to relax my body while being at the same time in a highly aroused state. Somehow these two states are not mutually exclusive, as one might be tempted to think. In Tantra one can relax because there is no issue of performance. The process itself is the reward. Only through being fully in the process can one reach the highest orgasm.

Do you necessarily need a partner for Tantra love? No. Many tantric exercises can be done alone. In fact, learning to love and honor your own body is an important step toward the tantric experience with a partner.

Tantra helped me break old taboos and heal my past emotional and physical traumas connected with my sexuality. I can now use this additional experiential knowledge to help woman, men and couples in my New York.

To my great joy there are also people who are already fully sex positive and emotionally healthy and feel great with high erotic energy flowing through their bodies. It is a pleasure to assist those people to achieve higher levels of ecstasy alone or with their partner, whether I can help them in private coaching, or in the wider sharing of a workshop.